It wasn’t a stranger or a friend. It was my boyfriend.

I don’t remember how it started. We were talking in his house. The next thing I remember from that night was being pinned face down with a wrestler’s move on his bed while he was forcing himself into my ass. I was so confused that I had no idea what was going on and I was scared because he wasn’t listening. I kept screaming no and then the pain and the tears came. I sobbed through the entire thing and still kept screaming «no» and «get off me». He didn’t listen. He finished and said something about me doing something with some other acquaintance of his I had dated a year before I met him.

He was pissed off that I had done something with someone else that I didn’t do with him or tell him about? He anally raped me because of gossip and his need to protect his precious self image. That was his justification for violating me.

When I stopped shaking, I pulled my pants back up and pulled myself together as best I could. I walked through the house and found him sitting in the living room eating cold fried chicken on the couch while watching tv. He just looked at me like nothing had happened and asked if I was leaving.

I was shaking and still crying uncontrollably. I couldn’t answer him and just let myself out. Obviously, I never took his calls anymore after that.

A few years later he was driving by in a car with his buddies and saw me walking down the street. He pulled over and waved me over, smiling like a grinning idiot and acting like we were best of friends. He even asked me why I didn’t call him as if to brag to his friends in the car that we had such a great relationship. It was the most stomach twisting and confusing moment I can remember. It wasn’t right that he could do something so vile to me and then act like I should be happy to see him. It made me wonder how I could have so little value as a person in this world that he could operate like this?

For years, I didn’t have any feeling in my rectum. I was numb back there. I still don’t trust aggressive men and men who get too physically close to me without invitation or in a domineering manner, instantly puts me in combat mode. Still. Decades later.

I am a rape crisis counselor now. And an activist. And a feminist or a womanist, whatever you call it. It took me a lifetime to heal from that and I am still not 100%. There are days when I still want to see him suffer for his arrogance.

Its not okay. Its never okay. And enough is enough.

If men can’t evolve into decent human beings, it is time for them to go the way of the dinosaurs.